This is the most honest blog I've ever written...

So this year is halfway over and its been an experience already. I'm realizing how much growing I've done and how much I still need to do. My experience in New York was great and though there are things I wish had gone differently, I wouldn't change it for anything. It taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. It also gave me a deeper love for the inner city and opened my eyes to a lot of different aspects of what I feel the Lord is breaking my heart for. I have also confirmed that teaching (to kids at least) is definitely not my spiritual gift. NY was so awesome and I was sad to leave. I miss all of the awesome people there, but I never felt like it was the right place for me. I felt that I was supposed to be there for the short amount of time that I was and take away a specific something that the Lord was teaching me. It sounds a little ridiculous but that's the only way I know how to describe things. I'm a little afraid that I got in my own way so much that I might have missed that specific thing. I've been doing that a lot lately...getting in my own way. I let things overwhelm me that should have no place in my mind or heart. Things like insecurities and the opinions of others. I've come to the conclusion that not everyone will like me, but it still hurts to feel like you've disappointed someone or changed their view of you to a negative one... that kind of thing is the hardest for me to get over and I'm not sure I actually get over things like that.

One thing that I have become aware of is my inability to not speak on things I am 100% sure of. I often make hasty decisions without serious thought or prayer and speak of them before I am sure my plans are definite. Most often, I decide things according to what my flesh is telling me instead of seeking the Lord's will in situations. That's a very scary thing to realize. The overwhelming sense that I have missed opportunities to glorify the Lord is a horrible feeling. I'm one of people who is really hard on myself about things of a spiritual matter and that causes me to have a lot of regret and insecurity when it comes to seizing opportunities to glorify God. Whoa, that was heavy!

I'm in that place in my life..you know, the one where you're not really doing anything and not sure what you should do or even want to do as far as taking steps towards the future. The place where I'm growing up (reluctantly of course) and realizing who I am, who I have, and who I'm meant to be. Realizing that I'm the person keeping me from being who God wants me to be. I know that I eventually want to finish school (like soon) but I also know that I want to seize as many opportunities I can while I still have the chance. I need o transfer schools, but I don't know that I want to go somewhere in Georgia, but I'm not sure I want to go back so soon. I would really love to go to Houston in the Fall, but I don't think that that's even a possibility or what the Lord wants me to do. After typing all of that I saw that they all begin with "I want" and that is exactly what my problem is..."I". when will I ever learn?!

So my next step is just taking it back to square one with God. Getting raw and real with Him and myself so that we can truly do this thing together...I realize that I will have to make decisions and sacrifices that are going to be really hard, but they'll be worth it because as of now, He's the only one I want. hopefully there won't be too much collateral damage.

Now, I would like to apologize to anyone who was affected by my selfish actions. To anyone who experienced my hasty decision making and to anyone I've disappointed. Hopefully I can begin to mend some of those relationships and die to the flesh that has lead my behavior for the past year. Please account my actions to just that, the flesh, and not the God that I serve and am trying to strive to live like. I love y'all! :)

City Love

Its been a while since my last blog and boy has a lot been happening! I don't even know where to begin but first off, I want to praise Jesus for who He is and what He's done!

So as most of you know I'm a semester missionary through the North American Mission Board and my placement is a ministry in the Bronx, called Graffiti 2 Community Ministries. Graffiti 2 is an amazing ministry that gives kids and teenagers an alternative to basically a life on the streets. I love the ministry and believe that they have had and will continue to have a huge impact on the community of Mott Haven.

City life has been so great and not only do I not have to drive, but everything I need is literally a stone's throw away! There is always new opportunities to show and share Jesus because you never see the same person twice. Friday, we met a man named Jose at a guitar store and after talking with him a while we found out that he is also a follower of the Lord and we got to talk with him and even sang a few worship songs in the guitar store! I mean, talk about divine appointments!

Back to the Bronx. In the beginning, it was definitely a struggle to fit and feel like I was actually doing something. Don't get me wrong, I have job tasks and responsibilities and everything I do is something that has a purpose, but because I wasn't spiritually and emotionally tired at the end of everyday, I thought that there was something that I was doing wrong. I have definitely been growing and have been challenged in the best ways. I don't really like teaching kids bible study, because I'm not good at it, but doing it everyday has made it easier and sometimes I could even say that I actually like it! Hanging out with the kids is definitely the best part of my day! Getting to play with them and hear about whats going on in their life reminds me of why I'm here in the first place. I have fallen in love with the kids and youth here because of who they are and the fact that if you take the time to invest in them and ask them about their day... to find out who they really are, you see their potential. you see how bright they are. how much they have to give and how much they can impact their community. I have invested emotionally and that is very hard for me to do. It is something that I am trying to give to the Lord to work out, but we're taking it one step at a time. Even after all of these great things that are happening and how much I've grown, I still feel like I need to be home or that there is something, somewhere else waiting for me. It has been very confusing. at one point im sure of it and the next minute I'm 100% positive that I need to be here. After praying about it, I have decided to shorten my time here. I know its not that I want to be home. I have no desire in me whatsoever to go back to life in LaGrange. Yes, my family is there and I love them very much and miss them. But, there are no homeless people in LaGrange, there is not a church that seeks to operate by biblical principles, there is not a group of people who consistently intentionally involve themselves in the lives of "the least of these" (matthew 25:1-46) to pour into them so that they can pour into others. And maybe its that there are people who do this and I haven't come across them....either way, I have no longing inside to be in that place, but maybe God wants me there for a reason. I'm not sure of any of this, I can only pray and believe that I am making the right decision. I trust that either way He has something for me. That whether I'm here or there, God is with me and as long as I remain focused on Him and continue to live for His glory, wherever I am will be the right place.

Its hard not to feel like you're letting someone down or leaving a bad impression. I hate going back on something I've said because it gives people the sense that you're a flake. I don't want to be that person that people feel like they mistakenly put their trust in. I have learned that until you are absolutely sure of something, don't talk about it. Silence is key when uncertainty is in the mix. No, I don't want to let anyone down but I really don't want to let God down. I want what I want to be what He wants. There is no greater desire in me than the desire for my heart to be after Him over all things. I love Him more than my family and want Him more that I want a career or money or a nice southern gentleman who lives for Him and happens to be a missionary that sings and possibly plays an instrument....(I had to add that)....

Anyways, all of that to say that I really hope my footsteps are in line with the ones He has plotted for me.

Love y'all!!!

Where to start.... this week was a good week and of course (like all other things good) it went by fast. I finally feel like I'm starting to know the kids a little better and hopefully starting to build relationships with them. It frustrates me though that I'm holding back from investing emotionally here, but thats such a big part of who my human side is, that its been tough trying to overcome that, but I can overcome anything because of the power Christ has given me so I just have to keep praying about it. It was my first week to teach bible study here, and it went okay. There's a lot that I need to work on, but I wasn't nervous about it really. I didn't get to teach the Monday though, because I had a horrible tooth ache that made my entire head feel like someone was pounding on it with a hammer (one of those industrial sized ones). I'd made an appointment, but since they wont take my insurance, I'll have to find another dentist, but thats another story... Like I said, I feel like I have gotten know a few of the kids better. They are soooo funny! Most of them are in the 4th and 5th grade and ALL they talk about is dating! I'm like you can't "go out" because you don't go anywhere. So I asked them what "going out" meant and they said,"You know, going out in school!" and I said, "OH! Gotcha!" haha. Like how sad is it that a 4th grader gets more play than I do?! hahahaha! Its fun to watch them interact with each other. There is something so spiritual about watching little human beings grow, and learn, and wonder about everything, especially who God is.

My favorite days are the ones where I have a lot to do! It just makes me feel super productive and gives me a sense of purpose because I'm actually working with my hands. But, I also like the days when I can sleep late. Sleeping is one of the greatest leisures in life! and if you know me, you know I'm being completely serious!

This experience is just making me so much more excited about what God has planned for me!!! Thanks for all of the prayer and support! Love you guys!

P.S. In case you didn't know, here is my address:

Kyndra McIntosh

236 W 72nd Street

New York, NY 10023

Its week two and more awesome things have been happening! Ministry is going well. I feel like I'm getting to know the kids a little better. Today, I got the privilege of walking a couple of the kids home and that was a great experience. Just to be able to see where they live and hear a little about where they come from was good. Two of the kids were talking about their family situations on the way home, and while it would have made most people angry or bitter, they were able to laugh and joke about it at such a young age which is both a good thing and a sort of sad thing. It was also such a blessing to hear Michael, one of the teens talk about his dreams of going to Harvard one day and I can't wait until he makes it there! He is such a bright and talented young kid who had such a gentle spirit about him. I see the evidence of Christ and His love for me everyday.

I try and make the effort to stay in conversation with the Lord all day and when I do, I see so many of my little mentionings answered. One of my favorite things thats happened this week is riding the subway and seeing people smile about what music they're listening to. Or when you can tell its praise music because they're really into it! I LOVE that! Another thing that happened today that has made my experience so far is getting to talk to a guy who I'm pretty sure is homeless. It really just felt like home to walk with him and hear about some of the things he's been through and to have a chance to ask about his beliefs and invite him to church. The Lord always seems to remind me of all the things He has in mind for me. Whether its by breaking my heart for something or giving me the opportunity to use the gifts He's given me.

I pray that my focus stays only on Him and my purpose to glorify Him in everything that I do. I pray that His work in my life will be evident to those I get the honor of ministering to or with. That I fall more in love with my Creator everyday. ( and I do, when I see people communicating with each other in a loving way, or when I work around people who have a heart after God and His work, when I see someone give up their seat on the subway who is probably just as tired as the person they are giving it to (and I know that it is just "courtesy" but its also really kind and

self-less) when the sun comes out to play after a morning of miserable rain, when it rains...

So since I am a list maker here are a couple of lists for the week:

top 5 favorite things (of NY)

1.Graffiti

2. riding the subway

3. Central Park

4. that I can literally walk to anything I need (y'all know how much I hate to drive!)

5. that I get to see lots of different people everyday!

5 things I (with the Lord's help) am going to work on:

1. Complaining (its NOT cute and I get annoyed with my own complaining, I know other people do)-this includes saying what I hate to do

2.indecisiveness and my inability to take the initiative...by inability I mean fear of.

3. by tendency to let my insecurities determine how I act and what I do and don't do.

4.I could always be in the word more

5. being in the moment vs. worrying about what will happen next or in the near future.

things that I misssss

1. My Family!!!!!!!!!!

2. My seeeeeesterrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

3.Friends

4.FBC Sunday service and my family there

5. Charlie Josephs!

6. Chic-fil-a

7. My bed!

8. t.v.

9. BCM

10. Houston!!!!

P.S. My itunes is on shuffle right now and you'll never guess what song is on right now....wait for it....No I'm not saying haha!

Lets Gooooooo! :)

So It's Saturday and the end of my first full week in NY! So far I love the city and Graffiti 2! The staff is great and the kids are wonderful! Since I didn't know much before I got here and because of that, couldn't tell y'all much,I'll fill y'a'' in! I got here on Monday, and decided to dive right in. I got to experience the after school program with the elementary students.(I think the after school range is something like 1st-12th grade) That was awesome! The kids got to participate in a bible study and get help with their homework. I always say I hate school but being here and witnessing the differences in the school system here makes me appreciate the one we have in Troup County. ANYWAYS! After the program is over some of the older kids who are active in a program called GSALT walk the younger kids home. GSALT is a really neat program! It teaches the kids how to give back to their community and set a good example for the babies! (Babies are any children under the age of 12) on Monday nights that have staff meeting for the GSALT kids and I got to sit in on that also. this week has been such a transition and because I HATE transitions its been a little tough, but the Lord has taught me so much already.AND, He's put me in my place a couple of times, but when does that NOT happen.haha! I have let things defeat me already and it is because I was focused so much on doing the work that I wasn't focusing on our relationship. BUT, I'm back on track now! I'm so excited about my journey in New York! I have seen awesome things and met some pretty cool people! I will post pictures soon!

top 5 List of favorites this week:

1. the doctor I saw for my ear problem was a missionary!

2. I can hear clearly now!!!!

3. Central Park

4. working at Graffiti 2!!!!

5.the city :)

God of This City!

Okay, so I'm horribly horrible at these things but since I'm waiting on the Passion CD to download (in 15min!!!) I have the prime opportunity to do this! So its my second day in New York and at Graffiti 2 and so far, I LOVE it! The kids are so welcoming as well as loving and affectionate. The staff at Graffiti is also great and make it easy to love ministry. Its been a little bit of an adjustment but its weird because I didn't feel nervous or scared or like I had gone through any sort of culture shock when I arrived. I honestly felt like I'd been here before or like I was just walking around in downtown Atlanta like I've done may times before. I know there is a difference but I think God is showing me who He is and what He can do by giving me the since that this is all familiar when I know that none of it is...AT ALL. This small town girl gets lost in the big LG, and I made it to the ministry all on my own this morning. Now y'all know if thats not God, I don't know what it is!!! I will get a better job description and a tour of the community Graffiti serves later on in the week. I might possibly get some time to do touristy things and get a feel of what NY is all about, but until then, I love y'all!

Houston: Part 1

Okay!So I have given into the advice of starting a blog, well, I already had one because I had to set this up for my computer science class. I just wanted the people who wanted updates on Houston to be able to read this because I wont be able to communicate as frequently as if I would be able to if I was at home.

So Houston! I love it here already and I have only been here a week. The moment I stepped into MCH I felt like I had been here forever! The staff here is amazing and so are the other summer missionaries!! Especially the girls :) We have two house parents (Mr.Wayne and Mrs.Glenda) The provide all of our meals and are here to keep is in line ha ha! They are so awesome and the cutest people you'll ever meet! Ginger is the director here and she is super awesome and is living evidence that God shines His light through others.

There are three centers: Gano, Fletcher, and Joy. I am assigned at Gano and that's the center that does kids, pre-teen, teen, and senior adult ministries. They also do yard work in the community and have a food bank. I am super excited to get into the ministries!This week has been all about training and bonding as a team. On our second day Gabby the Clown (who is also the MCH secretary) taught us how to make balloon animals. That was super fun! We also went to a Mexican bakery this week and I got like a whole bag of goodies for less than 5 dollars!

You can tell that this community is grateful for any sort of attention and love and affection they get. Its an awesome community that is desperate for God and I'm hoping I can be a part in bringing that here. The second night we were here Mrs.Glenda took us to the walking track and we saw these kids playing soccer. We really wanted to interact with them, so we asked them if they wanted us to play with them. Here we are, these girls and boys who suck at soccer playing a game with these kids and I don't know who had the most fun, us or them!

I am just so blessed to be a part of the ministries here this summer and cannot wait to see what God is going to do here this summer!