This is the most honest blog I've ever written...

So this year is halfway over and its been an experience already. I'm realizing how much growing I've done and how much I still need to do. My experience in New York was great and though there are things I wish had gone differently, I wouldn't change it for anything. It taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with the Lord. It also gave me a deeper love for the inner city and opened my eyes to a lot of different aspects of what I feel the Lord is breaking my heart for. I have also confirmed that teaching (to kids at least) is definitely not my spiritual gift. NY was so awesome and I was sad to leave. I miss all of the awesome people there, but I never felt like it was the right place for me. I felt that I was supposed to be there for the short amount of time that I was and take away a specific something that the Lord was teaching me. It sounds a little ridiculous but that's the only way I know how to describe things. I'm a little afraid that I got in my own way so much that I might have missed that specific thing. I've been doing that a lot lately...getting in my own way. I let things overwhelm me that should have no place in my mind or heart. Things like insecurities and the opinions of others. I've come to the conclusion that not everyone will like me, but it still hurts to feel like you've disappointed someone or changed their view of you to a negative one... that kind of thing is the hardest for me to get over and I'm not sure I actually get over things like that.

One thing that I have become aware of is my inability to not speak on things I am 100% sure of. I often make hasty decisions without serious thought or prayer and speak of them before I am sure my plans are definite. Most often, I decide things according to what my flesh is telling me instead of seeking the Lord's will in situations. That's a very scary thing to realize. The overwhelming sense that I have missed opportunities to glorify the Lord is a horrible feeling. I'm one of people who is really hard on myself about things of a spiritual matter and that causes me to have a lot of regret and insecurity when it comes to seizing opportunities to glorify God. Whoa, that was heavy!

I'm in that place in my life..you know, the one where you're not really doing anything and not sure what you should do or even want to do as far as taking steps towards the future. The place where I'm growing up (reluctantly of course) and realizing who I am, who I have, and who I'm meant to be. Realizing that I'm the person keeping me from being who God wants me to be. I know that I eventually want to finish school (like soon) but I also know that I want to seize as many opportunities I can while I still have the chance. I need o transfer schools, but I don't know that I want to go somewhere in Georgia, but I'm not sure I want to go back so soon. I would really love to go to Houston in the Fall, but I don't think that that's even a possibility or what the Lord wants me to do. After typing all of that I saw that they all begin with "I want" and that is exactly what my problem is..."I". when will I ever learn?!

So my next step is just taking it back to square one with God. Getting raw and real with Him and myself so that we can truly do this thing together...I realize that I will have to make decisions and sacrifices that are going to be really hard, but they'll be worth it because as of now, He's the only one I want. hopefully there won't be too much collateral damage.

Now, I would like to apologize to anyone who was affected by my selfish actions. To anyone who experienced my hasty decision making and to anyone I've disappointed. Hopefully I can begin to mend some of those relationships and die to the flesh that has lead my behavior for the past year. Please account my actions to just that, the flesh, and not the God that I serve and am trying to strive to live like. I love y'all! :)